Monday, December 2, 2013

I haven't been on this blog in a while.  I've not allowed myself to think about cancer too much lately.
When Dad died, August 31st, things changed.
I lost track of time.  I feel like I lost about a month and a half to two months.  Nothing mattered much.   It doesn't mean I stopped loving people or things that are important became any less so.  I just didn't feel "here" and that's the only way I can describe it.  It made the fact that "this is not our home" more real.  It also made me understand wanting to make Dad proud of me in a different way.  It helped me to understand wanting God to be proud of me and my decisions.  Dad and God, the connection, wanting approval,  wanting to make proud,  it has a more real feeling to it.
What I'm trying to say just doesn't seem to be coming
across the way that I have it in my head.  Like a painting
that I see in my head, they just never seem to look the
One of the questions that came to my mind after Dad's death
was, "if Dad knew what he's learned since his death, what would
he have changed while he was here?"  I really felt like one of
the things would have been his involvement in church.  I felt
like he would have chosen to be more involved with people and
church, or people in church?
My brother and I were talking a few days after I had this thought.
He said he and Dad had talked about a few things before his
death and Dad had said he wished he'd been more involved with people
and church like my brother is.  I'm glad my brother has found a place
where he feels he's where God wants him to be.  I know he's struggled
since Dad's death with things feeling not important, like I have, but
he hasn't run away from church, thankfully.

I went to the Dr. recently for a CT scan.  Everything looks good right now - besides lung scarring from radiation, most likely, and what she thinks looks like cholesterol on my liver.
They want to increase my pain medication.
I don't know if I can handle that.  I don't
like sleeping all the time.

And then I read this from But Dr. I hate pink:

just want to mention my friend Denise, who died of breast cancer recently. She was posting and making jokes and being super upbeat and said she had good scans just November 15th. Then, she did my trick, slept for 24 hours. When she woke up, her hubby wanted to take her to the doctor so she decided to go. She had a seizure and died soon after. 

Never take your friends with cancer for granted. This is a sneaky, sneaky disease and many of us don't get a long decline like in the movies.

Denise, you made me laugh, your upbeat attitude was wonderful and I will never forget you. Although her family didn't know me personally, I will send a little vibe that they manage this okay. One of her children was 16, same as my son, so it definitely hit home. Although, it does with every woman who succumbs to this disease too quickly

Very shocking for her and me.

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