Saturday, December 14, 2013

I was hoping for a Dr. free month for December.  I only had 2 appointments, 1 my monthly shot Xgeva a bone strengthener, and 2 my yearly visit with my Orthopedic Surgeon.  Not to be - because my OS asked if I was having more pain in the leg he put a rod and bolt in.  I said yes and he told me to look at the xrays with him.  They showed a stress fracture going from the outside of the femur - through to the rod.    He said he thought at first he was looking at the old xray and realized it was the new one.  He kept saying, “that’s weird.”  He then asked if I had a wheelchair, walker, and cane.  I am to use one of them at all times to keep the weight off of that leg.  Keeping the weight off the leg is not easy to do, though it hurts, I’ve just continued doing what I normally do.  I thought it was new pain that was part of all of the rest of the pain so when he told me it was fractured I was surprised.  I have to make an effort to remember and keep the weight off.  Oh, and I did ask, “what do you do for that?”  which he replied, “I already did it” – meaning putting the rod in there.  But, it means a bone scan and another CT scan, more Dr. appointments.  Making December not Dr. free but at least better than Nov.  I had 2-3 appts a week last month.
I was a little upset about it because I felt like I was going backward with using the walker around the house.  Chuck told me not to think of it like that and not to let it bother me.  I am doing extremely well compared to others with this disease.  I have to remember that and continue to trust God through all of this. 

It was helpful when I read in Jesus Calling;
Instead of yearning for a problem-free life, rejoice that trouble can highlight your awareness of My Presence.  In the darkness of adversity, you are able to see more clearly the radiance of My Face.  Accept the value of problems in this life, considering them pure joy.  Remember that you have an eternity of trouble-free living awaiting you in heaven.

And then Yesterday:  I am taking care of you…Feel the warmth and security of being enveloped in My loving Presence.  Every detail of your life is under My control.

And Today:
Being holy; set apart for sacred use.  That is what quiet moments in My Presence are accomplishing within you.    As you focus your mind and heart on Me, you are being transformed; re-created into the one I designed you to be.

Streams in the Desert
Yet if we are faithful to forge ahead and “if we do not give up” (Gal. 6:9), someday we will know that the most exquisite work of our lives was done during those days when it was the darkest.
If you seem to be living in deep darkness because God is working in strange and mysterious ways, do not be afraid.  Simply go forward in faith and in love, never doubting Him.   He is watching and will bring goodness and beauty from all of your pain and tears.

It is a blessing when what I’m reading addresses how I’m feeling.

Art wise I helped Corey make a diorama for a music video her friend Ashley is doing.
It’s supposed to be a gothic dining room in the woods.  I can’t wait to see the finished video and hear the CD when it’s finished.  Corey is playing piano for 2 songs on the CD.  So exciting!

Monday, December 2, 2013

I haven't been on this blog in a while.  I've not allowed myself to think about cancer too much lately.
When Dad died, August 31st, things changed.
I lost track of time.  I feel like I lost about a month and a half to two months.  Nothing mattered much.   It doesn't mean I stopped loving people or things that are important became any less so.  I just didn't feel "here" and that's the only way I can describe it.  It made the fact that "this is not our home" more real.  It also made me understand wanting to make Dad proud of me in a different way.  It helped me to understand wanting God to be proud of me and my decisions.  Dad and God, the connection, wanting approval,  wanting to make proud,  it has a more real feeling to it.
What I'm trying to say just doesn't seem to be coming
across the way that I have it in my head.  Like a painting
that I see in my head, they just never seem to look the
One of the questions that came to my mind after Dad's death
was, "if Dad knew what he's learned since his death, what would
he have changed while he was here?"  I really felt like one of
the things would have been his involvement in church.  I felt
like he would have chosen to be more involved with people and
church, or people in church?
My brother and I were talking a few days after I had this thought.
He said he and Dad had talked about a few things before his
death and Dad had said he wished he'd been more involved with people
and church like my brother is.  I'm glad my brother has found a place
where he feels he's where God wants him to be.  I know he's struggled
since Dad's death with things feeling not important, like I have, but
he hasn't run away from church, thankfully.

I went to the Dr. recently for a CT scan.  Everything looks good right now - besides lung scarring from radiation, most likely, and what she thinks looks like cholesterol on my liver.
They want to increase my pain medication.
I don't know if I can handle that.  I don't
like sleeping all the time.

And then I read this from But Dr. I hate pink:

just want to mention my friend Denise, who died of breast cancer recently. She was posting and making jokes and being super upbeat and said she had good scans just November 15th. Then, she did my trick, slept for 24 hours. When she woke up, her hubby wanted to take her to the doctor so she decided to go. She had a seizure and died soon after. 

Never take your friends with cancer for granted. This is a sneaky, sneaky disease and many of us don't get a long decline like in the movies.

Denise, you made me laugh, your upbeat attitude was wonderful and I will never forget you. Although her family didn't know me personally, I will send a little vibe that they manage this okay. One of her children was 16, same as my son, so it definitely hit home. Although, it does with every woman who succumbs to this disease too quickly

Very shocking for her and me.