I was hoping for a Dr. free month for December.  I only had 2 appointments, 1 my monthly shot Xgeva a bone strengthener, and 2 my yearly visit with my Orthopedic Surgeon.  Not to be - because my OS asked if I was having more pain in the leg he put a rod and bolt in.  I said yes and he told me to look at the xrays with him.  They showed a stress fracture going from the outside of the femur - through to the rod.    He said he thought at first he was looking at the old xray and realized it was the new one.  He kept saying, “that’s weird.”  He then asked if I had a wheelchair, walker, and cane.  I am to use one of them at all times to keep the weight off of that leg.  Keeping the weight off the leg is not easy to do, though it hurts, I’ve just continued doing what I normally do.  I thought it was new pain that was part of all of the rest of the pain so when he told me it was fractured I was surprised.  I have to make an effort to remember and keep the weight off.  Oh, and I did ask, “what do you do for that?”  which he replied, “I already did it” – meaning putting the rod in there.  But, it means a bone scan and another CT scan, more Dr. appointments.  Making December not Dr. free but at least better than Nov.  I had 2-3 appts a week last month.

I was a little upset about it because I felt like I was going backward with using the walker around the house.  Chuck told me not to think of it like that and not to let it bother me.  I am doing extremely well compared to others with this disease.  I have to remember that and continue to trust God through all of this. 

It was helpful when I read in Jesus Calling;

Instead of yearning for a problem-free life, rejoice that trouble can highlight your awareness of My Presence.  In the darkness of adversity, you are able to see more clearly the radiance of My Face.  Accept the value of problems in this life, considering them pure joy.  Remember that you have an eternity of trouble-free living awaiting you in heaven.

And then Yesterday:  I am taking care of you…Feel the warmth and security of being enveloped in My loving Presence.  Every detail of your life is under My control.

And Today:

Being holy; set apart for sacred use.  That is what quiet moments in My Presence are accomplishing within you.    As you focus your mind and heart on Me, you are being transformed; re-created into the one I designed you to be.

Streams in the Desert

Yet if we are faithful to forge ahead and “if we do not give up” (Gal. 6:9), someday we will know that the most exquisite work of our lives was done during those days when it was the darkest.

If you seem to be living in deep darkness because God is working in strange and mysterious ways, do not be afraid.  Simply go forward in faith and in love, never doubting Him.   He is watching and will bring goodness and beauty from all of your pain and tears.

It is a blessing when what I’m reading addresses how I’m feeling.

Art wise I helped Corey make a diorama for a music video her friend Ashley is doing.

It’s supposed to be a gothic dining room in the woods.  I can’t wait to see the finished video and hear the CD when it’s finished.  Corey is playing piano for 2 songs on the CD.  So exciting!

I haven't been on this blog in a while.  I've not allowed myself to think about cancer too much lately.
When Dad died, August 31st, things changed.
I lost track of time.  I feel like I lost about a month and a half to two months.  Nothing mattered much.   It doesn't mean I stopped loving people or things that are important became any less so.  I just didn't feel "here" and that's the only way I can describe it.  It made the fact that "this is not our home" more real.  It also made me understand wanting to make Dad proud of me in a different way.  It helped me to understand wanting God to be proud of me and my decisions.  Dad and God, the connection, wanting approval,  wanting to make proud,  it has a more real feeling to it.
What I'm trying to say just doesn't seem to be coming
across the way that I have it in my head.  Like a painting
that I see in my head, they just never seem to look the
same.
One of the questions that came to my mind after Dad's death
was, "if Dad knew what he's learned since his death, what would
he have changed while he was here?"  I really felt like one of
the things would have been his involvement in church.  I felt
like he would have chosen to be more involved with people and
church, or people in church?
My brother and I were talking a few days after I had this thought.
He said he and Dad had talked about a few things before his
death and Dad had said he wished he'd been more involved with people
and church like my brother is.  I'm glad my brother has found a place
where he feels he's where God wants him to be.  I know he's struggled
since Dad's death with things feeling not important, like I have, but
he hasn't run away from church, thankfully.

I went to the Dr. recently for a CT scan.  Everything looks good right now - besides lung scarring from radiation, most likely, and what she thinks looks like cholesterol on my liver.
They want to increase my pain medication.
I don't know if I can handle that.  I don't
like sleeping all the time.

And then I read this from But Dr. I hate pink:

just want to mention my friend Denise, who died of breast cancer recently. She was posting and making jokes and being super upbeat and said she had good scans just November 15th. Then, she did my trick, slept for 24 hours. When she woke up, her hubby wanted to take her to the doctor so she decided to go. She had a seizure and died soon after. 

Never take your friends with cancer for granted. This is a sneaky, sneaky disease and many of us don't get a long decline like in the movies.

Denise, you made me laugh, your upbeat attitude was wonderful and I will never forget you. Although her family didn't know me personally, I will send a little vibe that they manage this okay. One of her children was 16, same as my son, so it definitely hit home. Although, it does with every woman who succumbs to this disease too quickly


Very shocking for her and me.

Doctor

Good news from the Dr. yesterday.  She said the tumors that had not been treated looked the same as the ones that had been.  They haven't grown or changed and I don't have any new ones.  She said everyone she has Xgeva on is doing very well.  She's amazed with the results.  I still have to go to the Radiologist though.  I was hoping I'd get to skip that.
Thank you to everyone who's been praying for me.  I think that and Xgeva combined are why I'm doing so well.
I did ask her about being tired so much and unfortunately that's normal.
Other than that, nothing new right now.

Test results tomorrow.

I got this email and thought it would be good to post

I also found this website:  http://drleonardcoldwell.com/2011/10/25/children-may-be-given-death-linked-anthrax-shots-under-bioterrorism-scare-trials/

HSI eAlert - Health Sciences Institute

On my drive home the other day, I turned on NPR and was shocked to the core. They were talking about testing the anthrax vaccine...on kids. 

I don't need to tell you this is insane. But to see just how insane it is, let's review a few facts... 

* Anthrax has been a biological weapon for a century. But the number of anthrax attacks in the U.S. totals exactly one, in 2001. And fewer than two dozen people were infected. 

* The government has spent billions developing BioThrax, the anthrax vaccine. 

* BioThrax is given to special military units and scientists who handle anthrax. 

* The Vaccine Adverse Events Reporting System has received thousands of reports linked to BioThrax. These include brain inflammation, seizures, paralysis, and memory loss. 
* About 300 of those cases resulted in permanent disability and more than 25 deaths. (So the vaccine has done far more damage than the 2001 attack.) 
OK...those are the facts. Now...can I please borrow your...

Teen? 
Tween? 
Adolescent? 
Toddler? 
Baby? 

...to test the vaccine on? 

In the NPR report, one health official argued that we don't want to be caught in an anthrax emergency without knowing if the vaccine can be used in kids. 

So, we should poison a generation of kids to see if the solution will work in preparation for an attack that will probably never come?! 

For now, the plan to test BioThrax in kids is facing stiff opposition. That's because it's hard enough to make an ethical argument to test it in adults. So kids are just completely out of the question. 

Well... You would think. But Health and Human Services officials have actually asked for more research before making a decision about testing kids. 

That means someone is still pushing this insane idea along. 

What's frightening is that all they'll need is one minor anthrax scare. Then, the fear factor might be enough to get the ball rolling. 

If it should come to that -- if officials start calling for testing in kids and mass vaccinations -- keep this point in mind... BioThrax is worthless as a response to an attack. Doctors give it in five doses over 18 months. And even then they don't know how effective it is. 

This is a pointless vaccine that would be going nowhere if there weren't billions of dollars behind it. 

We've already thrown away the money. Let's not ruin children's lives, too.

To Your Good Health, 

Jenny Thompson, Director of HSI 

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Parable of the Talents

¹⁴ “For it is just like a man about to go on a journey, who called his own slaves and entrusted his possessions to them. ¹⁵ To one he gave five ^[a]talents, to another, two, and to another, one, each according to his own ability; and he went on his journey. ¹⁶ Immediately the one who had received the five talents went and traded with them, and gained five more talents.¹⁷ In the same manner the one who had received the two talents gained two more. ¹⁸ But he who received the one talent went away, and dug a hole in the ground and hid his ^[b]master’s money.

¹⁹ “Now after a long time the master of those slaves *came and *settled accounts with them.²⁰ The one who had received the five talents came up and brought five more talents, saying, ‘Master, you entrusted five talents to me. See, I have gained five more talents.’ ²¹ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your ^[c]master.’

²² “Also the one who had received the two talents came up and said, ‘Master, you entrusted two talents to me. See, I have gained two more talents.’ ²³ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.’

²⁴ “And the one also who had received the one talent came up and said, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow and gathering where you scattered noseed. ²⁵ And I was afraid, and went away and hid your talent in the ground. See, you have what is yours.’

²⁶ “But his master answered and said to him, ‘You wicked, lazy slave, you knew that I reap where I did not sow and gather where I scattered no seed. ²⁷ Then you ought to have put my money ^[d]in the bank, and on my arrival I would have received my money back with interest.²⁸ Therefore take away the talent from him, and give it to the one who has the ten talents.’

²⁹ “For to everyone who has, more shall be given, and he will have an abundance; but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away. 

This came to my mind this morning.  Do I not do my art or write because of fear?  Fear of someone not liking what I have to say through either medium?

Sometimes, yes.  Sometimes, too tired, don't feel well, but I still need to do.

Don't hide, don't fear.  Use your gifts.  They are after all gifts.

Still doing the Joy Dare, not exactly going by her list but wanting to get to 1000 things by the end of the year.

Today one thing I'm thankful for:

Chuck, he is the most responsible and extremely hard working person I know.  He works even though he doesn't feel well.  After open heart surgery in 2008, he went back to work 3 weeks early because, he said "It's his job to take care of us."  Thank you for who you are!  Love you!

I found this blog:  Breast Cancer?  But Dr., I hate pink.
She writes how I feel.